I want to ‘Get Out Alive’

Let’s start with the obvious… I’m no Bear Grylls.

I mean, he eats things that I wouldn’t touch with a stick. He and I share little more in common than two ‘L’s in our last name.

BUT… as I move into middle age – with nothing but orange headbands and obstacle race medals to show for my masculine grit – I suppose I’m ready to

(I’m sure my badass bride won’t mind.)

And with this in mind, I’m going to Open Casting for Bear’s new adventure series. (No, I’ve never done this before.)

Tentatively titled Get Out Alive, it involves teams of two being dropped in a remote wilderness and having to claw their way out. “Make it to the end, and win the prize of a lifetime,” they promise. Granted, I can’t make it to the end of my wife’s circuit training class without burping back vomit… nor can I start a fire without a match, flint or flare… but worry not, I’ve enlisted the help of the toughest dude I know… Shaun Harder.

I can’t say much about what he does for a living, mainly because he can’t say much about it. But I do know that he’s one of the most highly trained warriors on the planet, and works overseas a lot. I trust him when he says we will win this thing, “no doubt.”

Of course, the chances of us getting picked for the show are slim at best. Still, I try.

Here’s an excerpt from my application…

WHAT MAKES YOU TWO AN INTERESTING TEAM?  Shaun has never had to “carry” someone like me before. He’s a soldier, survivalist and literally surrounded by Alphas at all hours. His last name is Harder for fuck’s sake. He’s an action hero. I’m not at all like an action hero. Sure, I’ll test my mettle at mud runs, but for the most part, you can dust my grit off with a feather. (In high school, for instance, I’d weasel out of wind sprints complaining of “chronic shin splints.”) I can’t build a fire. I’ve never hunted, let alone field dressed an animal. And I’m such a picky eater that my wife suggests hypnotism. BUT… I’m at the point in my life when I’m ready to invoke my inner Liam Neeson, reprogram myself, and HTFU.  Plus, I’ll do anything for a fantastic read. And the story about how my buddy and I won your contest will make a great one indeed.

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