STUFF THAT JUST MIGHT MAKE YOU LAUGH
SWEAT AND TEARS
For the better part of 10 years, I have dressed almost exclusively in black shirts. Not out of choice, but out of necessity. I have incessantly sweaty armpits, you see, and that’s the only way to conceal them. Keep reading!
CRASH DIETING ON THE MASTER CLEANSE
Salt. I love even writing the word. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any salt in the past 237 hours. In fact, I haven’t had anything in the past 237 hours. I’ve been surviving solely on the lemonade I make fresh each day with maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Welcome to the Master Cleanse. Read more.
IT HAPPENED TO ME: I STILL WET THE BED
This is the very first story I ever published. Back in 2003. So don’t judge it too harshly, por favor. While I kind of cringe at the writing nowadays, given the number of random emails I’ve received over the years from strangers who also wet the bed, thanking me for being so open and funny about such a humiliating issue, I’d say it was a success. Read more.
I don’t like running. As far as I can tell, it’s an odious experience from here to there, wherever here or there may be. Not shockingly, I look miserable when running. I start each run grimacing like a grade schooler sent to the principal’s office. And after a few miles, I fully look like I’m dying. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when my fiancée suggested that we train together for a half-marathon. Read more.
I’M A CRY BABY
I know there’s something wrong when I’m crying at the Superbowl. Or misting, rather. It’s not because Seattle’s star quarterback, a onetime teammate of mine at Boston College is losing a winnable game. Nor am I moved by the storyline of a Pittsburg sports legend capping his career with a championship in his Detroit hometown. No. I tear or mist or whatever when the Dove “Self-Esteem” ad runs. Read more.
CONFESSIONS OF A MUSIC VIDEO WRITER
“What’s up with all those butt shots?” my girlfriend, Naomi, wanted to know. We were watching a slideshow on my computer when a few close-ups of a girl’s Diesel-wrapped butt rear popped up. “Those aren’t just any old butt shots,” I said. “Those are one-of-a-kind-close-ups of Jessica Simpson’s tail.” Read more.
I’M A FAUXHEMIAN
I lost the spirit of Christmas at an early age – when I realized that Mom was in cahoots with Santa Claus. As I tore open box after box of khakis, turtlenecks, sweaters and Argyle socks, all in hopes of finding a toy or two, Mom would reassure me, “Even Santa knows the clothes make the man.” Read more.
MUSIC VIDEO IDEAS THAT WILL UNFORTUNATELY NEVER BE FILMED
JESSICA SIMPSON: “Take My Breath Away” – This video will clearly be a parody of the Newlyweds series. Our guerrilla cameras will follow the emotional story of Jessica as she flirts with disaster and falls for another guy (let’s just call him S. Keneally). Intimate shots of Jessica singing will be nothing compared to the intimate shots of Jessica and S. Keneally in the back of Nick’s truck. Read more.
YOU’RE ONLY IN CHARGE UNTIL THEY IMPEACH YOU
An essay about my experience at the prestigious New Jersey Boys’ State, where I became the first camper in the program’s 48-year-history to ever be impeached from elected office, appears in this anthology, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped and Canceled. Here is my foreword to the essay. But if you want to read the piece itself, you’re gonna have to buy the book.
AND MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD JOURNALISM
THE NEW CALIFORNIA GOLD RUSH
Every afternoon at 4:20 sharp, “Steve” leaves his office in San Francisco. After a day spent shuffling multi-million-dollar investments, many of his firm’s ace financial planners scurry to join the sexy clientele at the nearby W hotel’s XYZ bar. But Steve, 35, doesn’t go with them. He doesn’t drink. And with his 24-year-old “Hawaiian Tropic–hot” wife waiting at home, he’s not on the prowl. Instead, to revitalize his mind and body, he slips in his iPod earbuds and walks 30 minutes to his favorite state-sanctioned cannabis club. Read more.
CHASING TAIL: A GREAT WHITE ADVENTURE
What happens when you pump Judas Priest into the Great White waters of Guadalupe Island? A shark will eat your submersible speaker. Just ask legendary music video director Dean Karr. It happened to him.
CHASING TAIL is a true account of my five days aboard Dean Karr’s 8th Annual Rock ‘n Roll White Shark Expedition. It features some very big sharks; the twisted director behind Marilyn Manson’s breakout video, “Sweet Dreams”; a NIN guitarist; Lacey from VH1′s Rock of Love; a white rapper from the OC; and far too much tequila and Tecate.
PROFILE: CAREY HART (Motocross Legend)
Carey Hart is out of his fucking mind. At least that’s what you might assume. After all, on the path to sticking he first ever motorcycle back flip, the Freestyle Motocross maverick has snapped just about every bone you can name, and a bunch you can’t. 56 to date. Not to mention a gnarly spill last year at Tony Hawk’s Boom Boom HuckJam, where Hart shattered both arms and legs, and nearly died of internal bleeding. Read more.
PROFILE: HARRY MORTON (Scion to the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino)
Harry Morton is squirming in front of the photographer’s lens. His arms swerve restlessly: “This feels like a yearbook photo. Can’t I move around?” It’s surprising that he’s so camera shy. Blessed with the kind of sharp looks that could persuade a bride out of her wedding gown, this 23-year-old heir to the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino seems a natural fit for film.
Link coming soon.
PROFILE: NAOMI BRILLIANT (Roshambo Winery)
I’m not a sophisticated drinker. Fine wine always seemed a bit too precious for my taste. So when a friend invited me to a winery, I was a little hesitant. I didn’t want someone snickering if I swirled the wine out of the glass, or accidentally pronounced the ‘t’ in Merlot. But I was assured that Roshambo Winery was different. Read more.
SELECTED STORIES FROM THE SUNDAY PRESS DEMOCRAT…
DOUGLAS KEANE SCREWED UP
Douglas Keane doesn’t want me pulling any punches. No kid gloves. No minced words. Just the facts.
The cold hard facts that shortly after opening Shimo Modern Steak, the all-star chef was smacked with a sinking realization: “I screwed up.”
The problem wasn’t the food. By all accounts it was excellent. Rather, the problem was all the empty seats.
HEALDSBURG HIGH NOW HAS WHEELS
Let’s say you’re 15 and you love mountain biking, a lot. You want to race bikes for your high school but can’t because your school doesn’t have a team. What do you do? Well, if you’re Healdsburg sophomore Ryan Grutze, you gather a few likeminded classmates and create a team.
DJ 8BALL TO PLAY OUTSIDE LANDS
Josh Williams is not your average design geek.
Sure, from 9-5 Monday through Friday, the former Healdsburg resident manages a team of digital designers at popular San Francisco design firm, Hot Studio. But after hours, the 41-year-old otherwise known as 8Ball is among the Bay Area’s most infamous and electrifying DJs. Read more.
CRAZY FAMOUS TURNS TO KICKSTARTER
It’s no big secret that Sonoma County is home to a slew of famous musicians, from Tom Waits to Les Claypool, Charlie Musselwhite and Mickey Hart. But if local indie band Crazy Famous has its way, the members will someday join that list.
Since forming in 2008, the Healdsburg trio has brought their brand of old fashioned, rock n’ roll to bars, basements, backyards and block parties across the county. Read more.
SELECTED H2HOTEL BLOG POSTS…
ABOUT OUR h20 BARS
Paper or plastic? Paper, right?
Well, not necessarily. The fact is that they both suck for the environment in their own insidious ways. For instance, did you know it takes almost 4x as much energy to manufacture a paper bag as it does to manufacture a plastic one? Shocking, right? You can read about that study, and other myth busting info here. Read more.
H2 GOES GOLD! LEED GOLD!
The wait is over! h2hotel has finally gone gold. The U.S. Green Building Council has just awarded us LEED Gold Certification. And we’re the first LEED Gold hotel in all of Sonoma County. What’s that? you ask. In short, it’s a point-based rating system that establishes whether a building was designed and built with green principles and practices in mind. Read more.
SCOTT BEATTIE TEACHES HIS SECRETS
If you were anything like me as a young child, you spent unjustifiable chunks of your days trying to convince yourself that you were born with a Superpower. Sure, maybe we couldn’t fly or become invisible, but that’s because we hadn’t discovered our powers just yet. One day, or so we told ourselves… Read more.
WE HAVE BEES ON THE ROOF
Maybe it’s just me. But if you were to tell me that there were bees all over the roof of your hotel, I’d quickly assume the worst. It’s not that I dislike bees. Bees are fantastic. But bees on the hotel’s roof? Why? Is it littered with trash? Empty soda cans? And furthermore, if it’s the kind of establishment that attracts bees, what’s crawling behind your walls?My suggestion? Check out! Now! Read more.
Anyone can be a DJ. Or that’s how it might seem these days, given the proliferation of fist pumping knob-turners. But people who know music… who feel music… can easily distinguish between a laptop amateur and an electronic auteur. There’s a magic that happens in the space between, and that’s why people who know and feel and love music, love Solomon. Read more.